3 Months
I struggle with myself on a daily basis. I hate to say that I'm depressed. If I can get out of bed in the morning- then I've accomplished all I want for the day. Everything else is frosting.
The morning is definitely the hardest time of day. If I don't give myself a to-do list before i go to bed- then most days i'll be useless. i'm glad school is in the morning- that gives me 2 days a week where i HAVE to get out of bed before i can even think straight. But if I have time to wake up slowly- my mind ends up in the black hole of what-ifs. And if my mind ends up there at all, just a step, my day has a looming cloud that won't go away.
well, mom's birthday passed. dad called a few times that week to see if i was going to meet with them. i never answered. he left a few messages that i got my sister to listen to because i didn't want to hear. she said he sounded like normal- like nothing had ever happened. oblivious- that's dad.
i never called, never sent a card. they haven't tried to contact me since. thanksgiving just passed. not a word from either side. so Christmas will be next. i regret to say that i'm not going to grandma's party- i'll try to stop by sometime that week to see her myself- but i don't want the weirdness between my parents and myself to ruin anyone's holiday. i don't really want to be in the same room with that thick awkwardness. i have nothing to say & apparently they don't either.
maybe this is all petty in someone else's eyes? but my heart is numb. my heart is heavy with anger, regret, and more anger. i just burst into tears sometimes- i feel powerless over the situation. its not a mistake that can ever be fixed with apologies or discussion. a part of me was amputated 8 years ago that i'll never get back. there is a hole in my heart that feels like it grows more and more with every thought.
i view it in my mind- like i'm hovering over an accident scene. simply a bystander. watching the story take place and you can't control the dialogue or the resolution. i view my younger self and see this naive girl. so much i want to reach out to her- send someone into her life to show her a different way. she was so trusting that her parents were looking out for her when they were just saving their pride. i don't want to be a "poor me" woman. but how do i vent this anger? how does someone who was in need that was let down- right the wrongs when they are now the ones who can give?
and if i felt like writing or telling my parents how i feel would make any kind of difference i would. but it wouldn't. i know it wouldn't. sometimes i don't think we're on the same planet and i don't think they have a full range of emotions. i hate to sound like i'm bashing them- but i'm spinning with resentment with nowhere to direct it. the only people in the world i want to direct it at- it won't penetrate. it would be like teaching a 5 year old calculus. it would be surface with no understanding.
my whole life they've seemed like plastic people to me. they look like people, they talk like people, but its all superficial. they've lied about stupid things- like my mom being pregnant with me out of wedlock. there are not even close to 40 weeks between their anniversary and my birthday. my mom lying about petty things that i've supposedly said to her that i've found out from my sister. things that were never said!!? i don't understand their thought process. i pretty much don't care to- they are my parents, but i'm an adult. its going to be a strange holiday this year.
The morning is definitely the hardest time of day. If I don't give myself a to-do list before i go to bed- then most days i'll be useless. i'm glad school is in the morning- that gives me 2 days a week where i HAVE to get out of bed before i can even think straight. But if I have time to wake up slowly- my mind ends up in the black hole of what-ifs. And if my mind ends up there at all, just a step, my day has a looming cloud that won't go away.
well, mom's birthday passed. dad called a few times that week to see if i was going to meet with them. i never answered. he left a few messages that i got my sister to listen to because i didn't want to hear. she said he sounded like normal- like nothing had ever happened. oblivious- that's dad.
i never called, never sent a card. they haven't tried to contact me since. thanksgiving just passed. not a word from either side. so Christmas will be next. i regret to say that i'm not going to grandma's party- i'll try to stop by sometime that week to see her myself- but i don't want the weirdness between my parents and myself to ruin anyone's holiday. i don't really want to be in the same room with that thick awkwardness. i have nothing to say & apparently they don't either.
maybe this is all petty in someone else's eyes? but my heart is numb. my heart is heavy with anger, regret, and more anger. i just burst into tears sometimes- i feel powerless over the situation. its not a mistake that can ever be fixed with apologies or discussion. a part of me was amputated 8 years ago that i'll never get back. there is a hole in my heart that feels like it grows more and more with every thought.
i view it in my mind- like i'm hovering over an accident scene. simply a bystander. watching the story take place and you can't control the dialogue or the resolution. i view my younger self and see this naive girl. so much i want to reach out to her- send someone into her life to show her a different way. she was so trusting that her parents were looking out for her when they were just saving their pride. i don't want to be a "poor me" woman. but how do i vent this anger? how does someone who was in need that was let down- right the wrongs when they are now the ones who can give?
and if i felt like writing or telling my parents how i feel would make any kind of difference i would. but it wouldn't. i know it wouldn't. sometimes i don't think we're on the same planet and i don't think they have a full range of emotions. i hate to sound like i'm bashing them- but i'm spinning with resentment with nowhere to direct it. the only people in the world i want to direct it at- it won't penetrate. it would be like teaching a 5 year old calculus. it would be surface with no understanding.
my whole life they've seemed like plastic people to me. they look like people, they talk like people, but its all superficial. they've lied about stupid things- like my mom being pregnant with me out of wedlock. there are not even close to 40 weeks between their anniversary and my birthday. my mom lying about petty things that i've supposedly said to her that i've found out from my sister. things that were never said!!? i don't understand their thought process. i pretty much don't care to- they are my parents, but i'm an adult. its going to be a strange holiday this year.
posted by bobby @ 2:59 PM
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