3 Months

I struggle with myself on a daily basis. I hate to say that I'm depressed. If I can get out of bed in the morning- then I've accomplished all I want for the day. Everything else is frosting.

The morning is definitely the hardest time of day. If I don't give myself a to-do list before i go to bed- then most days i'll be useless. i'm glad school is in the morning- that gives me 2 days a week where i HAVE to get out of bed before i can even think straight. But if I have time to wake up slowly- my mind ends up in the black hole of what-ifs. And if my mind ends up there at all, just a step, my day has a looming cloud that won't go away.

well, mom's birthday passed. dad called a few times that week to see if i was going to meet with them. i never answered. he left a few messages that i got my sister to listen to because i didn't want to hear. she said he sounded like normal- like nothing had ever happened. oblivious- that's dad.

i never called, never sent a card. they haven't tried to contact me since. thanksgiving just passed. not a word from either side. so Christmas will be next. i regret to say that i'm not going to grandma's party- i'll try to stop by sometime that week to see her myself- but i don't want the weirdness between my parents and myself to ruin anyone's holiday. i don't really want to be in the same room with that thick awkwardness. i have nothing to say & apparently they don't either.

maybe this is all petty in someone else's eyes? but my heart is numb. my heart is heavy with anger, regret, and more anger. i just burst into tears sometimes- i feel powerless over the situation. its not a mistake that can ever be fixed with apologies or discussion. a part of me was amputated 8 years ago that i'll never get back. there is a hole in my heart that feels like it grows more and more with every thought.

i view it in my mind- like i'm hovering over an accident scene. simply a bystander. watching the story take place and you can't control the dialogue or the resolution. i view my younger self and see this naive girl. so much i want to reach out to her- send someone into her life to show her a different way. she was so trusting that her parents were looking out for her when they were just saving their pride. i don't want to be a "poor me" woman. but how do i vent this anger? how does someone who was in need that was let down- right the wrongs when they are now the ones who can give?

and if i felt like writing or telling my parents how i feel would make any kind of difference i would. but it wouldn't. i know it wouldn't. sometimes i don't think we're on the same planet and i don't think they have a full range of emotions. i hate to sound like i'm bashing them- but i'm spinning with resentment with nowhere to direct it. the only people in the world i want to direct it at- it won't penetrate. it would be like teaching a 5 year old calculus. it would be surface with no understanding.

my whole life they've seemed like plastic people to me. they look like people, they talk like people, but its all superficial. they've lied about stupid things- like my mom being pregnant with me out of wedlock. there are not even close to 40 weeks between their anniversary and my birthday. my mom lying about petty things that i've supposedly said to her that i've found out from my sister. things that were never said!!? i don't understand their thought process. i pretty much don't care to- they are my parents, but i'm an adult. its going to be a strange holiday this year.

It'll get worse before it gets better

My mom's 50th birthday is this upcoming week. I've been dealing with guilty feelings of not speaking to my parents for over 2 months now. I was debating on what to do...should I send her a birthday card just to show that I have a heart? Then I think, why am I not speaking to them? Oh yeah- there's a lot of baggage in our relationship. They haven't attempted to contact me in 2 months either and ask why I've disappeared.

My sister said she talked to mom the other day. Mom thought I was upset about the last phone conversation we had. My sister told her that it happened to be my last straw with her, but there had been a long build-up to cause me to sever ties. Of course, my mom asks if its about my daughter and them making me place her for adoption. My sister said that was a lot of it- and my mom's response was "I needed to learn how to forgive." Funny, I don't remember anyone ever asking for forgiveness. I don't remember anyone ever asking me how my daughter was doing, sending her a birthday or Christmas card, I don't remember the subject of my daughter ever coming up again unless I had mentioned it. I quit talking about her with them a number of years ago. They don't care. They never have. If anyone is heartless it's them. How do you erase your grandchild from existence? How can you be so prideful that you'd spite your own daughter?

Arrogant people don't deserve forgiveness, atleast mine. I would have been a wonderful mother. I am a happy woman with a happy husband. I try to look at the positives in every situation. I try to live my life to the fullest and experience all that life has to offer. I don't want to be miserable like my parents. I don't want to lock myself in my house with no friends. R and I have such a wonderful life together. I've cried 8 years for my daughter. I've had a hole in my heart that will never be filled. But I try to have the best life I can because one day my daughter is going to see who I've become. I want her to be proud of me. I have someone to live for, not only my husband, but the prettiest 7 & 1/2 year old who lives 3,000 miles away.

Never is a Promise

Never is a promise
Youll never see the courage I know
Its colors richness wont appear within your view
Ill never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you
Youll say you understand, but you dont understand
Youll say youd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you cant afford to lie

Youll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
Youll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than Ive ever shown - to you
Youll say, dont fear your dreams, its easier than it seems
Youll say youd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you cant afford to lie

Youll never live the life that I live
Ill never live the life that wakes me in the night
Youll never hear the message I give
Youll say it looks as though I might give up this fight
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you
Youll say you understand, youll never understand
Ill say Ill never wake up knowing how or why
I dont know what to believe in, you dont know who I am
Youll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and Ill never need a lie

fiona apple