Deception
So I shouldn't be blogging right now. I have an Anatomy test tomorrow that I'm studying for, but if I don't release some of the tension in my head- I won't be able to retain anymore knowledge. I might as well get out my peace for the day so I can move forward.
My sister stayed over last night. She's younger than me - she's now my age when I was pregnant. She was in a wreck 2 months ago that left her bed-ridden with a fractured leg & she's just now being able to move around. She's having to live with my parents in the meantime.
I haven't talked to my mom (well, either parent) since the wreck. My sister has always been very close to me- I am 8 years older than she & I've always viewed myself as a protector type. I love her dearly. The night she was in the wreck- she and her boyfriend had been at my house. Long story short- my mom didn't even call to tell me my sister had been in a wreck after they left. I found out by calling the next day to tell my sister she had left her keys here. Then my mom tells me she was in the hospital waiting for surgery.
At first, I thought she was joking. What kind of parent would leave a sibling totally out of the loop? Especially, considering we are the only two and we're very close. What if my sister had cut her femoral artery & bled to death? What if she had gone into shock? I don't care if she simply scratched her hands up a little- I'm still her sister, she had just left MY house! I think I deserve the courtesy of being told.
This was it for me. I told my dad that she (my mom) was out of my life. I didn't realize how much I meant it. I haven't talked to my mom or dad in 2 months now. I'm actually at peace with it. There is so much water under the bridge and I don't need anymore. I finally came to the understanding that granted I'll never be good enough for them- why the hell am I trying to be something for them anyway? I'm a grown woman with a husband, my own home, my own life. I don't have to listen to her judgments, I don't have to be her puppet like she's made of my dad. I don't think my dad has made a decision for 20 years. I don't want to turn this into a parent bashing blog....I'm just so upset that I couldn't have realized this 8 years ago when it would have made a change in my daughter's case.
I won't ever be good enough in their eyes. But I feel I've always led my life in honesty- I've always tried to be respectful and truthful. Now that I'm looking back- wondering why I didn't reach out to other family for support during my pregnancy- I realized after reading an old journal. I was reading where my grandmother had offered that I come live with her in Alabama because my parents were kicking me out. Then, I read further that the offer was revoked because my dad said she didn't realize that my daughter was biracial. THAT'S why I didn't reach out to family. I can remember my parents being so ashamed and embarassed about the color thing- that I was scared to reach out to anyone. It was put in my head that my family would not accept my daughter. So, it makes me wonder, so many years later when my grandmother and aunts ask about "H", when they send her letters themselves, when they ask for pictures, when they remember her birthday & send her gifts---who was it REALLY that had a problem with my daughter? Considering my parents NEVER ask about her, NEVER send her gifts, NEVER ask for pictures, NEVER talk about her to the family---I was deceived.
I am so tempted, its almost an uncontrollable urge, to visit my grandmother. I want to talk to her about the events back then. There are so many things I was probably oblivious to. I want to know how the conversation truly went between she and my father. And granted, if my dad told the truth, I can accept that. I love my grandmother. She's been more compassionate to me than my parents ever tried to be. It just doesn't make since that an 81 year-old woman can remember her great-grandchild's birthday better than my parents. I think I'm gonna have to take a trip to Birmingham. I think I need to do it for my own resolve.
My sister stayed over last night. She's younger than me - she's now my age when I was pregnant. She was in a wreck 2 months ago that left her bed-ridden with a fractured leg & she's just now being able to move around. She's having to live with my parents in the meantime.
I haven't talked to my mom (well, either parent) since the wreck. My sister has always been very close to me- I am 8 years older than she & I've always viewed myself as a protector type. I love her dearly. The night she was in the wreck- she and her boyfriend had been at my house. Long story short- my mom didn't even call to tell me my sister had been in a wreck after they left. I found out by calling the next day to tell my sister she had left her keys here. Then my mom tells me she was in the hospital waiting for surgery.
At first, I thought she was joking. What kind of parent would leave a sibling totally out of the loop? Especially, considering we are the only two and we're very close. What if my sister had cut her femoral artery & bled to death? What if she had gone into shock? I don't care if she simply scratched her hands up a little- I'm still her sister, she had just left MY house! I think I deserve the courtesy of being told.
This was it for me. I told my dad that she (my mom) was out of my life. I didn't realize how much I meant it. I haven't talked to my mom or dad in 2 months now. I'm actually at peace with it. There is so much water under the bridge and I don't need anymore. I finally came to the understanding that granted I'll never be good enough for them- why the hell am I trying to be something for them anyway? I'm a grown woman with a husband, my own home, my own life. I don't have to listen to her judgments, I don't have to be her puppet like she's made of my dad. I don't think my dad has made a decision for 20 years. I don't want to turn this into a parent bashing blog....I'm just so upset that I couldn't have realized this 8 years ago when it would have made a change in my daughter's case.
I won't ever be good enough in their eyes. But I feel I've always led my life in honesty- I've always tried to be respectful and truthful. Now that I'm looking back- wondering why I didn't reach out to other family for support during my pregnancy- I realized after reading an old journal. I was reading where my grandmother had offered that I come live with her in Alabama because my parents were kicking me out. Then, I read further that the offer was revoked because my dad said she didn't realize that my daughter was biracial. THAT'S why I didn't reach out to family. I can remember my parents being so ashamed and embarassed about the color thing- that I was scared to reach out to anyone. It was put in my head that my family would not accept my daughter. So, it makes me wonder, so many years later when my grandmother and aunts ask about "H", when they send her letters themselves, when they ask for pictures, when they remember her birthday & send her gifts---who was it REALLY that had a problem with my daughter? Considering my parents NEVER ask about her, NEVER send her gifts, NEVER ask for pictures, NEVER talk about her to the family---I was deceived.
I am so tempted, its almost an uncontrollable urge, to visit my grandmother. I want to talk to her about the events back then. There are so many things I was probably oblivious to. I want to know how the conversation truly went between she and my father. And granted, if my dad told the truth, I can accept that. I love my grandmother. She's been more compassionate to me than my parents ever tried to be. It just doesn't make since that an 81 year-old woman can remember her great-grandchild's birthday better than my parents. I think I'm gonna have to take a trip to Birmingham. I think I need to do it for my own resolve.
posted by bobby @ 10:37 AM
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