Closure

I think I needed these past 7 months to sort out a lot of repressed emotions. I feel like I've come to a closure and may make this my last entry, or at least few and far between.

I feel like I've worked through the anger and have developed a healthy outlook for my life. Unfortunately, my parents have yet to acknowledge my concerns in our relationship. I felt like I had poured my heart out to them in my letter and never received a response. My sister convinced me to have dinner with them about a month ago and that was awkward. They acted "surface" as usual. No conversation that penetrated anything more than television or day-to-day matters. We haven't spoken since.

I am elated that this time next week I will actually be with my daughter! "K" and I spoke a few months ago and decided it was time to meet. I have been blessed with an amazing adoptive family. We have all been conscious to keep "H's" well-being the foremost concern. "K" said she is very excited about meeting me. She's 8 years old and has known since the beginning about her adoption.

At first, I was very scared. The closer it gets the more that has turned into excitement. Life is going well. I feel a sense of peace. I am getting the chance to meet my daughter and hopefully develop a lasting relationship with her. I am still saddened by my parents' behavior, but I know I've done all that I should do. I poured my heart out to them and received nothing in return. I'll keep the line open, but they'll be the ones that have to make the effort.

Lifted Spirits

i must say- if any mother ended up with a perfect adoptive family- it was myself & my daughter. i've never had issues with them. "k" and i get along so well- even though she is old enough to be my mother (i'm sure she'd hate to hear that)- i think we could have been really good friends in another life. i'm sure one day- when "h" is old enough to be her own person & understand the situation- we'll have that opportunity. we're very forthcoming with each other, we make sure the other is doing well, we have wonderful talks. she always lifts my spirits & i make sure to let her know that.

i talked to her last week shortly after christmas. i also got to talk to my special someone- who i could tell was very nervous & shy- so i didn't keep her on the line too long. but she made a point that she did want to talk to me- of course it was mostly heavy breathing & an occasional spurt of recent events- so i tried to coax her the best i could & let her know that i was very happy to have spoken with her. "k" and i had our usual 2 hour conversation that seems to fly by so fast. it always feels like we could talk for even longer. "k" mentioned that she may be coming this way in a few months on business & that she'd try to meet up with me for dinner. that would be an amazing event- but i'll keep my enthusiasm until i know its a sure thing. don't want to build myself up for a fall.

she also mentioned that "h" was very interested in meeting me & when we are in their area on our vacation planned for next year- that they would like to meet for dinner & spend some time. so my spirits are a little higher than in recent months- at least with the adoption issue. there is a possible window in the near future where i could actually have a reunion of sorts. i've dreamed of similar situations for 8 years. i'm going to keep my mind even-kilter until then. i don't want to work myself into an excitement for something to fall through. my fingers are crossed though.

as far as my parent situation- i'll save that entry for another day....

My Immortal

MY IMMORTAL- Evanescence
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life
you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
*********************

I've been doing some research on the Web- looking for validation. Came across some pretty good sites that I could relate to tremendously. I'm kind of scared they pushed some of my anger into a feeling of activism though. I didn't realize how many women (usually younger at the time- mid-late teens) are manipulated into doing the "right thing". Of course, I wanted the right thing for my daughter- I played right into the fears that were fed to me at the time- by the counselors, agents, my parents, etc. My child wouldn't have a father, I had nothing to give my daughter, oh- look at this lovely family & this lovely family--what was so wrong with me? Fathers leave every day- I have a guy friend who was married and his WIFE left- left him with a baby. Just because a man and woman are married- doesn't mean life is grand. My mother's father was an abusive alcoholic- did she really need that father figure in her life? What happened to Faith? What happened to Hope? What happened to Family? Everyone around me gave up on me--I was scared to go against them all. Push my parent's bluff & keep my daughter. What if they didn't change their mind- what if I really would have ended up on the streets? Even worse, what if they ended up adopting her out from under me? I couldn't live with putting my daughter through that jeopardy. I wish I had the Internet at the time, I wish I had resources, I wish I had some outsider encouraging me to be stronger than the pessimists. There are so many children who are adopted who never should have been. Young middle class girls who are perfectly capable of raising the child they love- but pressured by so many outsiders that they can't.

The E-Mail

This is the e-mail I've recently sent my parents because my sister was tired of being the go-between, which I can't blame her. So I promised I would write something quick & to the point for my parents to get a clue about what was going on. My sister wanted me to meet with my mom & have her there as a sort of mediator, which after thought about it, was ridiculous to me. My parents are being cowards- I wouldn't use my mom as a go-between if I had an issue with my sister. I would call my sister & offer to meet with her myself. Why can't my mom do the same towards me. They of course lied- telling my sister they've sent me e-mails- funny, I've never gotten one? Then apparently the only comment made about the following e-mail from my mom (via my sister of course) was that she was upset that I sent it to my dad with his work e-mail, now it would "open" for any coworkers to read. Once again- deflecting her responsibility for any wrong doing & playing on my sister's sympathies & naivety. I told my sister- the only people that could read my dad's work e-mail would be his supervisors- and that's if they're snooping. Once again- my parents worried about what other people think than what really matters....


In order for "S" to not feel like the middle man- I promised her that I would write a quick summary about my “disappearance.”
I have no ill will towards you or dad. I wish you all the best- but my heart is indifferent with our relationship. There has been so much confusion, resentment, anger, and numbness the past eight years of my life that I think it has finally come to a head. I don’t want to engage in any kind of finger-pointing because its an open-close issue to me. I don’t know where to go from here or what to feel from here, but I honestly don’t know what to say to you or dad- so I chose not to say at all.
I feel like the time in my life when I was the most lost and the most dependent on direction- I was completely mislead. I was smart , I’ve always persevered, I don’t know why my own parents couldn’t see that. Why couldn’t you have encouraged me when I was so lost? Why couldn’t you have assured me of my strength instead of turning your backs on me? Instead, you made my pregnancy out like it was some great sin against both of you and your pride. Never once attending an ultrasound with me, but eagerly at the adoption counselor. Never rubbed my belly ONCE, but enthusiastic about the Life Books.
I didn’t go to Family Christmas functions, I didn’t go to the Renaissance Festival with Uncle Mike’s family all because of your shame. When life had kicked me down from "M" taking off, to my car being totaled, and me having to withdraw from school--I looked to my parents for encouragement and it wasn’t there. I made a mistake, I got pregnant. It was not "H's" fault and I would have never been a coward to abort her. I’ve never loved anyone or anything more than I’ve loved her. I couldn’t fathom turning her away if she ever came to me in the same situation.
I was never a problem child, never got in trouble at school, I never had to crack a book to make good grades. I had and still have good work ethics. All I needed was to get on my feet, just a little help, but that wasn’t offered. Then I lived the next 6 years or so in a complete fog- thinking the sorrow and numbness would eventually go away. Thinking one day I would feel at peace about the situation. Its been 8 years and I still feel as empty as the day I let go of her. I was mentally and emotionally dead for so many years and longed to be physically dead for just as long. I knew that would be even more horrible for "H". I finally have everything in my life in order. I can firmly say I am not and will not ever be at peace with the adoption.
I will never put stock into any relationship that has turned its back on me. Family isn’t there when life is smooth- that’s a bonus. Family is there when someone has lost their way and looks for help. I looked for help and got a closed door with tough love. I would have been a good mother. It may have been a struggle for a few years while I finished school- but I would have had someone to do it for. Single moms do it every day. Instead, I died and had to fight to live again. My grandmother lost a grandchild, my sister lost a niece, my daughter lost knowing a number of family who will probably die before she ever gets a chance to meet them. My friends lost a little girl who would have been friends with their children. "R" lost a stepdaughter. I lost my soul.
So tell me where I’m supposed to go from here? What was the plan and have I followed it the way you wanted? When am I supposed to be “normal” again? When am I supposed to forget that I’ve ever been a mother? When is this hole going to fill and who is EVER going to fill it? Where is the closure? Where is the empathy? Where was the compassion? How do I resolve this flood of anger that has consumed and paralyzed me for 8 years? Who do I cry to and how do I right what can never be right? How can I undo what should have never been done? Why was I unworthy in your eyes to be a mother? Why was my child unworthy to be accepted?
If "H" had died I could have found closure through religion, through family, through compassion. Pretending it never happened doesn’t mean it never happened. I will never have closure, this will always be an open wound that consumes my past and my future. I can’t relate to my friends who have children, they can’t relate to me. I can’t tell other women about my labor experience or the child who fills my heart with joy. Its this “sin” and “dark secret” that I’ve kept bottled inside me for 8 years with the fear that I may offend or that I’m overemotional. I was just supposed to “get over it” right? I was supposed to go to college and meet a man, get a good job, get married and only then have MY children- children to replace "H". NO- I was supposed to be "H's" mother. That’s what life had planned for me. I was supposed to be Augusta Isabella’s mother- that was her name in my heart- that was her name in my womb. I died on February 27th- when am I supposed to live again? If I’m ever able to have another child- what do I tell them about their sister? How do I tell them that their sister lives 3,000 miles away? Are they going to tell their friends that they have a sister? What am I supposed to tell people when they ask if I have children- I’ve tried both yes and no- neither feels right. My heart is in a whirlwind of anger. I feel as if my hands are tied and I have no outlet, no one to understand me, no one to cry to, and no one to help me find a resolution or closure. No one to forgive.
No one ever point blank asked me if I wanted to keep my daughter. No counselor, no nurse, no social worker, no adoptive parent, and not even my own parents. Did anyone have any concern for what I thought was best? Did everyone think I would be that disappointing as a mother? Or did everyone have their own agenda to fulfill? A family in need of a daughter, an agency in need of money, a counseling center in need of an angle, a hospital in need of payment, and my parents in need of redemption. Everyone would get what they wanted and move on. Except the mother- who was left with an empty heart and empty arms. Except a daughter- who was left 3,000 miles away in the arms of a stranger. My God- I’ve never even MET "K" and "D". The perception of my mothering abilities was so dreadful that my daughter was given to the arms of a family that was never met, that was talked to less than a handful of times on the phone, and lives a lifetime away. I DON’T KNOW THEM. I’m tired of playing this game- that I’m supposed to be “happy” that my daughter is a lifetime away in a stranger’s arms, living a stranger’s life. I’m tired of the bullshit that I did a “selfless act”. What is selfless about being manipulated? What is selfless about being hoodwinked? I was naïve, young, scared, and misinformed and the vultures in my life made a meal of it.
Would "H's" life had been so horrible that she is now better off 3,000 miles away? Would I have been that wretched of a mother? Would "S" have been a mean aunt? Would distant family look down on her? NO- FYI- when you and dad aren’t in a room- she’s asked about. There are a number of Aunts that have pictures of "H". There are a number of Aunts that have written "H". One particular family member asks about her every time we converse, always sends her gifts, and even remembers the week she was born & always sends me a card to let me know they are thinking about me.
I have to find peace in my heart. I have to find peace for "H". I want the right to choose family for myself- something that was taken from me 8 years ago. I need time to let the dust settle. I need a retreat to let my eyes open and take in what I’ve blocked out for so many years. I need to fill my life with positive influences and figure out which influences in my life are disingenuous.

3 Months

I struggle with myself on a daily basis. I hate to say that I'm depressed. If I can get out of bed in the morning- then I've accomplished all I want for the day. Everything else is frosting.

The morning is definitely the hardest time of day. If I don't give myself a to-do list before i go to bed- then most days i'll be useless. i'm glad school is in the morning- that gives me 2 days a week where i HAVE to get out of bed before i can even think straight. But if I have time to wake up slowly- my mind ends up in the black hole of what-ifs. And if my mind ends up there at all, just a step, my day has a looming cloud that won't go away.

well, mom's birthday passed. dad called a few times that week to see if i was going to meet with them. i never answered. he left a few messages that i got my sister to listen to because i didn't want to hear. she said he sounded like normal- like nothing had ever happened. oblivious- that's dad.

i never called, never sent a card. they haven't tried to contact me since. thanksgiving just passed. not a word from either side. so Christmas will be next. i regret to say that i'm not going to grandma's party- i'll try to stop by sometime that week to see her myself- but i don't want the weirdness between my parents and myself to ruin anyone's holiday. i don't really want to be in the same room with that thick awkwardness. i have nothing to say & apparently they don't either.

maybe this is all petty in someone else's eyes? but my heart is numb. my heart is heavy with anger, regret, and more anger. i just burst into tears sometimes- i feel powerless over the situation. its not a mistake that can ever be fixed with apologies or discussion. a part of me was amputated 8 years ago that i'll never get back. there is a hole in my heart that feels like it grows more and more with every thought.

i view it in my mind- like i'm hovering over an accident scene. simply a bystander. watching the story take place and you can't control the dialogue or the resolution. i view my younger self and see this naive girl. so much i want to reach out to her- send someone into her life to show her a different way. she was so trusting that her parents were looking out for her when they were just saving their pride. i don't want to be a "poor me" woman. but how do i vent this anger? how does someone who was in need that was let down- right the wrongs when they are now the ones who can give?

and if i felt like writing or telling my parents how i feel would make any kind of difference i would. but it wouldn't. i know it wouldn't. sometimes i don't think we're on the same planet and i don't think they have a full range of emotions. i hate to sound like i'm bashing them- but i'm spinning with resentment with nowhere to direct it. the only people in the world i want to direct it at- it won't penetrate. it would be like teaching a 5 year old calculus. it would be surface with no understanding.

my whole life they've seemed like plastic people to me. they look like people, they talk like people, but its all superficial. they've lied about stupid things- like my mom being pregnant with me out of wedlock. there are not even close to 40 weeks between their anniversary and my birthday. my mom lying about petty things that i've supposedly said to her that i've found out from my sister. things that were never said!!? i don't understand their thought process. i pretty much don't care to- they are my parents, but i'm an adult. its going to be a strange holiday this year.

It'll get worse before it gets better

My mom's 50th birthday is this upcoming week. I've been dealing with guilty feelings of not speaking to my parents for over 2 months now. I was debating on what to do...should I send her a birthday card just to show that I have a heart? Then I think, why am I not speaking to them? Oh yeah- there's a lot of baggage in our relationship. They haven't attempted to contact me in 2 months either and ask why I've disappeared.

My sister said she talked to mom the other day. Mom thought I was upset about the last phone conversation we had. My sister told her that it happened to be my last straw with her, but there had been a long build-up to cause me to sever ties. Of course, my mom asks if its about my daughter and them making me place her for adoption. My sister said that was a lot of it- and my mom's response was "I needed to learn how to forgive." Funny, I don't remember anyone ever asking for forgiveness. I don't remember anyone ever asking me how my daughter was doing, sending her a birthday or Christmas card, I don't remember the subject of my daughter ever coming up again unless I had mentioned it. I quit talking about her with them a number of years ago. They don't care. They never have. If anyone is heartless it's them. How do you erase your grandchild from existence? How can you be so prideful that you'd spite your own daughter?

Arrogant people don't deserve forgiveness, atleast mine. I would have been a wonderful mother. I am a happy woman with a happy husband. I try to look at the positives in every situation. I try to live my life to the fullest and experience all that life has to offer. I don't want to be miserable like my parents. I don't want to lock myself in my house with no friends. R and I have such a wonderful life together. I've cried 8 years for my daughter. I've had a hole in my heart that will never be filled. But I try to have the best life I can because one day my daughter is going to see who I've become. I want her to be proud of me. I have someone to live for, not only my husband, but the prettiest 7 & 1/2 year old who lives 3,000 miles away.

Never is a Promise

Never is a promise
Youll never see the courage I know
Its colors richness wont appear within your view
Ill never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you
Youll say you understand, but you dont understand
Youll say youd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you cant afford to lie

Youll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
Youll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than Ive ever shown - to you
Youll say, dont fear your dreams, its easier than it seems
Youll say youd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you cant afford to lie

Youll never live the life that I live
Ill never live the life that wakes me in the night
Youll never hear the message I give
Youll say it looks as though I might give up this fight
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you
Youll say you understand, youll never understand
Ill say Ill never wake up knowing how or why
I dont know what to believe in, you dont know who I am
Youll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and Ill never need a lie

fiona apple

Birmingham

So I pretty much got my answer. I went to see my Grandma Thursday. Of course, the first thing she mentions is that she wants to go Christmas shopping & get my little girl some things. I didn't feel I needed to bring the subject up to her about 8 years ago. I got my answer from the way she does and has always acted. Grandma loves me & I know she never "revoked" any offer. She always mentions my daughter and I know she would have helped me anyway that she could.

I'm pretty convinced that my parents talked her out of any offer to help. I talked to my best friend and my husband about my decision to "disappear" and they both support me. Part of me feels so wrong for cutting my parents out of my life. Who does that? But when there has been so much wrong done- you get to a point where you have nothing more to say and nothing more to give. Love endures hardships, it doesn't abandon. If your family acts like strangers in times of hardship- that's not the family I want to be a part of.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. "

Deception

So I shouldn't be blogging right now. I have an Anatomy test tomorrow that I'm studying for, but if I don't release some of the tension in my head- I won't be able to retain anymore knowledge. I might as well get out my peace for the day so I can move forward.

My sister stayed over last night. She's younger than me - she's now my age when I was pregnant. She was in a wreck 2 months ago that left her bed-ridden with a fractured leg & she's just now being able to move around. She's having to live with my parents in the meantime.

I haven't talked to my mom (well, either parent) since the wreck. My sister has always been very close to me- I am 8 years older than she & I've always viewed myself as a protector type. I love her dearly. The night she was in the wreck- she and her boyfriend had been at my house. Long story short- my mom didn't even call to tell me my sister had been in a wreck after they left. I found out by calling the next day to tell my sister she had left her keys here. Then my mom tells me she was in the hospital waiting for surgery.

At first, I thought she was joking. What kind of parent would leave a sibling totally out of the loop? Especially, considering we are the only two and we're very close. What if my sister had cut her femoral artery & bled to death? What if she had gone into shock? I don't care if she simply scratched her hands up a little- I'm still her sister, she had just left MY house! I think I deserve the courtesy of being told.

This was it for me. I told my dad that she (my mom) was out of my life. I didn't realize how much I meant it. I haven't talked to my mom or dad in 2 months now. I'm actually at peace with it. There is so much water under the bridge and I don't need anymore. I finally came to the understanding that granted I'll never be good enough for them- why the hell am I trying to be something for them anyway? I'm a grown woman with a husband, my own home, my own life. I don't have to listen to her judgments, I don't have to be her puppet like she's made of my dad. I don't think my dad has made a decision for 20 years. I don't want to turn this into a parent bashing blog....I'm just so upset that I couldn't have realized this 8 years ago when it would have made a change in my daughter's case.

I won't ever be good enough in their eyes. But I feel I've always led my life in honesty- I've always tried to be respectful and truthful. Now that I'm looking back- wondering why I didn't reach out to other family for support during my pregnancy- I realized after reading an old journal. I was reading where my grandmother had offered that I come live with her in Alabama because my parents were kicking me out. Then, I read further that the offer was revoked because my dad said she didn't realize that my daughter was biracial. THAT'S why I didn't reach out to family. I can remember my parents being so ashamed and embarassed about the color thing- that I was scared to reach out to anyone. It was put in my head that my family would not accept my daughter. So, it makes me wonder, so many years later when my grandmother and aunts ask about "H", when they send her letters themselves, when they ask for pictures, when they remember her birthday & send her gifts---who was it REALLY that had a problem with my daughter? Considering my parents NEVER ask about her, NEVER send her gifts, NEVER ask for pictures, NEVER talk about her to the family---I was deceived.

I am so tempted, its almost an uncontrollable urge, to visit my grandmother. I want to talk to her about the events back then. There are so many things I was probably oblivious to. I want to know how the conversation truly went between she and my father. And granted, if my dad told the truth, I can accept that. I love my grandmother. She's been more compassionate to me than my parents ever tried to be. It just doesn't make since that an 81 year-old woman can remember her great-grandchild's birthday better than my parents. I think I'm gonna have to take a trip to Birmingham. I think I need to do it for my own resolve.